Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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