thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
