Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
