There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
