I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
