My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
