I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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