i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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