Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
