No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
