Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
honey bunches of taint.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
