I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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