I think my vagina is haunted
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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