her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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