Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
