I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
