The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
