FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
