He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
