I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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