Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
