video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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