My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
