3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
