Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
