Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
