Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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