last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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