I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
