Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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