The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
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