By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
