if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You made out with two different species that night
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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