fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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