I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
