I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dear god my vagina.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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