Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
