Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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