Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
