I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
