How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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