He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
