bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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