I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize