I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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