I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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