guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
pop tarts are not kleenex
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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