My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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