I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
