So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
