I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it's great music for shaving your balls
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
