I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
