how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize