Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
