Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
