at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
