tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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