Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
