I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
