dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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