The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
