I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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